Dark Night of the Soul Part 3

For part 1 of this story click here. For part 2 click here.

At this rate I was growing like crazy with dark night after dark night. I never thought that breaking up would be on the cards at that time but if there´s one thing certain about Dark Nights, they always arrive when you least expect it. This particular Dark Night taught me something so special. It taught me to put myself first. Not in a selfish way. But in an honest way. It forced me to get clear on exactly what I wanted out of life instead of accommodating to what everyone else wanted. 

After some time in therapy to help make sense of these deep and consecutive trauma´s, I came to the realisation that there was no other option but to let my failing relationship go and follow my own path. If we were meant to come back together then we would but there is never any sense in trying to make someone love you. I believe relationships are a co-creation not forcing a square peg into a round hole. As sad and devastating as it was, it was one of the most liberating things I had ever done for myself. As I took the courage to say that I was breaking up with her and ending our relationship I knew I had passed a new threshold in my life. For once in my life I had chosen myself and put myself first. And that felt incredibly GOOD!

We broke up in January 2018 and because we owned the house together parting ways was made real tricky. I had to leave the house for a period of time because it was just way too painful to be in the same house as her. For 6 weeks I did some travelling and enjoyed the much needed time apart.

I was working hard and doing my best to find ways to buy my ex out of the house as quickly as possible or get a job transfer with work and move far away so I did not have to bear with living together in the same house. The company I was working for at the time was struggling to get their US office off the ground and getting sponsored was just too difficult. My only option I could see at the time was to buy her out pronto.  

I then received another one of those dreaded calls again. I´ll never forget this day either. It was a Tuesday afternoon and I was just about to leave work and head out to my weekly therapy session. I had packed my bags with my laptop and was on my way down the stairs when I saw my mom calling on my mobile. I thought it would be best to answer whilst still in the building as it was freezing outside being the beginning of March and I didn´t fancy hanging around in the cold whilst we spoke. 

“Hey my ma…how´s it going?” I answered. “I´m just on my way to see my therapist, what´s up?”. My mom answered, “Hey Mish, Dad´s just had a stroke and he´s in ICU”. Queue “Dark Night 4” and a whole lot of slow motion. Just like in the movies when time stops for what feels like an absolute eternity. “What?”. “Dad´s had a stroke. He´s in critical condition but stable for now.”

Isn´t it incredible how one phone call can quite literally change your life. Change only takes one single moment! 

After speaking to my mom, getting the lowdown of my dad´s condition, I ran to catch my tube to make my therapy session in time. I have never in my life been more grateful for Divine Timing and have a therapy session exactly at the time when I needed it most. I remember taking slow, deep breaths (following a breathwork technique I had learnt to calm the nervous system) on a jam packed tube, doing my best to hold back the tears and trying not to collapse in a bundle of sadness. I just had to hold myself together long enough to make it to therapy. Which I did in the end and quite literally cried my way through the whole session, which was such a relief. 

That night I messaged my ex, sharing the news of my dad´s misfortune, stating that I would be moving back in as I needed to be in my home and would stay in the guest bedroom until we got things sorted out.

It´s a strange thing hearing the news that one of your parents are really unwell. Of course you worry but along with that news a whole bunch of other things come flooding in too. Is he gonna be ok? Is my mom gonna be ok? Can he recover? The reality is that it moves you a step closer to your own impending departure from this planet, causing you to reflect on your life and when will your time come. When will my time come?

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