And so the journey begins

It's been just over 12 years since I was last outside of the “system” so to speak, when it comes to making a living and being responsible for a website. 12 years on I found myself here again. A little older and indeed wiser I feel! When I first started writing this blog post with the intention of the first one being to share more about who I was, I wasn´t really sure how deep I was going to go. As it turns out, I decided to play full out (not like me at all…jokes!) and so my story is written in 6 parts. I decided to share what was true for me so that if you are considering co-creating, then you´ll at least have a good sense of who I am so you can be confident in trusting the ping within as to why you came to my website in the first place. Nothing is by chance.

Growing up as a young white kid in South Africa, I was exposed to the world of duality very early on just by being born where I was. What do I mean by duality? To me duality is a societal programme of one pole versus another. That´s a function of being on this planet, Earth. Duality. It helps us understand what we are not, in order to understand what we are. 

In relation to myself, there were the erroneous and outdated programmes of one skin colour being superior to another skin colour, one gender was more superior than another and that being gay was not really an acceptable way of life. All programmes that I would later on in my life learn were all just suggestions to me and not something that I had to actually agree to. That I got to choose what worked for me. Not anyone else. 

I have always been fascinated by human behaviour. I remember as a youngster driving to school with my dad, listening to his audio recordings of personal growth guru´s sharing concepts of mindset, focus and how to achieve goals and hit sales numbers. A lot of the messages in these concepts were about how our thoughts create our reality and what we focus on expands. If we believed in ourselves we could succeed and do anything we wanted. Back in those days there was not a lot of actual science around proving these concepts like there is today. It was more living proof of humans who were brave enough to apply those concepts taking responsibility for the direction in their own lives. Talk about some fortunate programming from my dad.

At the age of 21, after having followed most of the societal suggestions given to me such as go to a good school, then to university, find a husband and get married (this one did not jam with me at all and went out of the window really quickly), I decided to break the mould and head to London to start my career abroad. In my view there were way more opportunities available to me in London as a young University graduate, then there were in South Africa at the time. 

The first 7 years in London were interesting and fun. I followed the new (for me at least) societal suggestion of what a young South African´s should be doing in London. Working hard and playing hard. Climbing the corporate ladder to make as much money as possible in order to afford to buy a house and then settle down. 

I´ll never forget the day when I had one of my first awakenings. It was early 2008 and I woke up on a Wednesday morning, empty wallet, empty bed, massive hangover and I was coughing my lungs out from the pack of fags I had gone through the night before. I remember turning on the TV and hearing the news of how many thousands of people had been killed in a devasting earthquake in China. Something seismic had moved within me too. My first thought was, “ I need to go and help those people and get the hell out of London as I am slowly killing myself”. And then I thought to myself, “Whoa, where did that thought come from?”. I think that was the first day I consciously realised that I was receiving Guidance form the unseen world. All I had to do was be open to receiving it and take action. 

That was the day I decided to leave London and go travelling around the world for a year. That was also the day I had decided to stop going out wasting my money on booze and fags and shifted into extreme savings mode. I wanted to give myself the biggest cushion possible so that I could access as many adventures as I could whilst I was out there roaming the big wild world all on my own. 

The feelings inside me had transformed from one of covering up my deepest sadness with booze, cannabis and the clown face, to excitement and focus that I was finally breaking free from what society had suggested who I should be and what I should be doing. I started planning and researching my route. One of the things that excited me most was the notion that whilst I was travelling, I got to decide who I wanted to show up as. I was nobody's daughter. I was nobody´s sister. I didn´t go to a specific school, support a specific sports team or work for a specific company in a specific role that was all better than the rest. Duality. I got to choose how I presented myself to anyone I met along the way. That left me with a feeling of freedom, which I truly embraced. 

Leaving in July 2009, that year around the world on my own was absolutely one of my favourite years. I travelled 16 countries in one year starting in Mexico city, working my way down through Central and South America, then across to South East Asia, Australasia finishing in South Africa for the 2010 football world cup. Not that I liked football, but was such a festive time for our country and the first time happening in South Africa that it was a real adventure to attend. In Guatemala I volunteered at a turtle sanctuary, I experimented sexually, partied hard when I felt it was right to do so and stayed silent and still on other occasions when it was time to go within. Each day I was following my heart and having the courage and bravery to keep moving forward, into the unknown discovering new lands and different cultures I previously had not much awareness of.

After exactly one year, coming back to London working life was incredibly difficult, but I made a promise to myself to continue to show up as myself and do my best to not follow what others suggested. Over the next few years I came out to my family about being gay and became determined to find a way to earn a living outside of the system so that I did not have to rely on it. Now don´t get me wrong there's nothing wrong with working in the system in a typical corporate job. It just wasn't for me as it left me feeling caged up and forced to make a living in a way that didn't feel comfortable for me. 

With the determination to figure out how to make money independently, I found myself at some business trainings in London that a friend had recommended. These trainings blew - my - mind! The teachings were around the understanding that experiential learning was one of the deepest forms of learning, that enabled the lessons to stay within the muscle memory of the body allowing one to draw upon them more easily in real life situations. It was a whole weekend dedicated to being placed in simulations to learn certain concepts. It was a truly powerful weekend and it started my journey of my own personal growth in a more formal way. 

In 2010 it was at these trainings where I met my previous, and now late, ex business partner. She was an incredibly skilled energetic intuitive. After connecting at the business training we got talking and I learnt that she was able to tap into an energetic unseen world that I kind of knew was there, but had no deep understanding of at the time. The only other times I had sensed there was a force outside of myself that I could communicate with and receive Guidance from was that voice that came through nudging me to go travelling, as well as a few times whilst I was travelling where that very same voice quite literally had me dodging death by following that Guidance. 

She was able to tap into a persons energetic field and see where there were blocks that had previously been created by present and past life traumas. Using messages from the body, energy techniques and her own channelled Guidance, she was able to help release these blocks facilitating healing allowing one to no longer be affected by them. She was incredibly skilled at what she did and facilliated much deep change in my own personal life, which I will be eternally grateful for.

Having been brought up catholic and attending an all girls catholic school, I had long fallen out of love with that kind of oppressive faith. A faith that preached unconditional love and oneness, when in fact was based on contradictions and conditional love, all of which I found confusing and incongruent. That sense was validated for me when I was travelling around the world and discovered what religion had done so many countries by imposing their beliefs without an invitation or permission to do so.

Working with my previous business partner, initially as a therapist and then in a professional capacity, was a real game changer in my life. She helped me come to terms and release the guilt that was programmed within me about being gay, release some other shackles and programmes that I had bought into whilst growing up. She taught me about consciousness and basic principles that became a guide to a way of life that I still use to this day. 

I had experienced such amazing results and growth in my own life that we decided to open up a business together where I would run the backend of everything enabling her to focus on delivering the content and creating personal growth programmes for folks who were looking to start their own journey of spiritual awakening. 

We had an insanely successful first 2 years. We held multiple free 2 day events in London that attracted around 300 people each time and at the end of the weekend, offering them the opportunity join the advanced programme for an annual fee. In the second year we had over 70 annual members and were doing really well for a couple of young women who had never run a business before with no funding other than what I had personally put in from savings, credit cards and my salary from my day-time job. 

As our popularity grew I decided to go full time into the business and we were eventually invited to speak in India, which we considered a massive opportunity. That was indeed a wonderful adventure. It was around that time where fractures in our relationship had started to show and we seemed to have different directions and ideas for the business. She was really focused on moving to India and living there where she believed could reach so many more people. Being Asian herself that world resonated with her quite naturally. I on the other hand had just bought a house with my then girlfriend and leaving my world in London behind was totally incomprehensible. 

There comes a time in our lives when we all experience what is called “A Dark Night of the Soul”. A period where we experience a deep shift in our life at a Soul level. It´s an invitation to learn and grow in a very (perceived) painful way, but once we come out on the other side, we realise the many lessons we had to learn. If chosen, we also get to experience a growth spurt in our own evolution as a Soul in a body on this planet. Pretty much the reason we as Souls came to this planet. To experience and evolve our consciousness through the lessons we learn throughout our multiple lifetimes here. 

On the way back from our trip to India was when I stepped into my first “Dark Night of the Soul”. I was in Dubai visiting family on the way back to the UK from India. On New Years day I woke up early to check my phone and found a ton of messages asking me what had happened to my best from school? I was totally confused and as I started to go through more and more messages I came across a message from her sister informing me that my best friend had died in a car accident back in South Africa. 

She and her family were driving home on Old Years Eve on the way back from holiday and unfortunately had a fatal collision with a truck. Thankfully her departure was swift as she died instantly leaving a big gaping hole in the lives of everyone she had left behind. Queue “Dark Night number 1”.

Check out part 2 here